Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
