I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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