I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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