my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
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