My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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