We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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