I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Soap is not a condiment
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
