dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
