The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
