I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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