Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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