It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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