Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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