the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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