cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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