At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Randomize
