I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
