she looked like the before picture.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
