you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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