cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize