My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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