On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
