Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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