theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize