her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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