i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
