hotel room ftw
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
