sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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