i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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