Who wears a wallet chain?!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
