drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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