im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
