Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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