My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
