sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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