You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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