you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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