hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
