I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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