Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
