I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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