Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
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