I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
