Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's blow job season.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
