her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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