nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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