my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
