My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
