I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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