Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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