I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
