Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
