It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
