haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
