My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize