She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize