I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
