If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
