We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
