so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
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